


Halt

by wolfzaa



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: A brief mention of non-con elements, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotions, First Kiss, I'll tag it just in case, M/M, Marauders' Era, POV Sirius Black, The Prank (mentioned), i think???, i'm not even sure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2019-01-21 20:36:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12465480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfzaa/pseuds/wolfzaa
Summary: Sirius hated himself for not letting go.  He needed to let go.  Hehadto.  He had no rights to force Remus into something he didn’t want.  Here he went again, hurting Remus because he couldn’t stop himself from taking it too far.Thus he halted, as abruptly as he could, wrecked and broken.





	Halt

 

Remus wasn’t Sirius’s first kiss.

His first kiss was a girl, back when he was in fourth year.  She was a sixth year Ravenclaw, a chaser.  They had met once or twice, during the games and between the practices.  They  _officially_  met when James urged him to go spy on the Ravenclaw team.  It was a shame she hadn’t mentioned any of their strategies; her mouth was too occupied.  He was only a curious, hormone-driven teenager, and she adored him; so the kiss happened, as simple as that.  She was a good kisser, great even, so Sirius wasn’t going to complain.  His first kiss was incredible.

He kissed a bloke for the first time when he was in fifth year.  Remus still refused to talk to him at that time.  To be honest, Sirius didn’t even know what had been on his mind.  He didn’t think -- again -- but that wasn’t anything new, was it?  Sirius couldn’t remember what the bloke’s name was but he surely was in the same year as him, a Hufflepuff, maybe.  Sirius recognised him from one of the studying groups Remus was attending.  The boy wasn’t good at kissing, though, not in Sirius’s standard.  He was shy and timid and had a nice smile, but not at all interesting.  Sirius didn’t even know why he dragged the boy into the empty alley in Hogsmeade and snogged him senseless.

Sirius had never been in a relationship.  He had fun with that Ravenclaw girl every once in a while, at least until she graduated, but there was nothing more than that: fun.  Others were too annoying for his taste so he turned them all down, including that Hufflepuff boy.  Sirius didn’t think the lad could forget him after that kiss, but since Sirius had brushed it off like nothing happened, he started to avoid Sirius at all costs.  The Hufflepuff still gave him a hopeful look sometimes but Sirius paid him no mind.

Then there was Remus.

Nobody could compare to Remus.  The werewolf hadn’t done anything beyond pressing their lips together and Sirius’s heart was already pounding like he had run a mile.  Never once in his life Sirius thought he would be able to  _feel_  this much.  Remus undid every twisted secret he had and made it right again in one kiss.  One single touch and Sirius was already falling.  Who would have thought a player like him would fall for someone like Lupin; the nerdy, quiet, plain Lupin, of all people?

But Remus wasn’t plain and simple to Sirius.  He was everything.

By the first few weeks of their sixth year, their relationship was still strained from the Whomping Willow Incident.  They talked again and became friends again, but Sirius didn’t know how to touch Remus anymore.  He didn’t even know if he truly deserved Remus’s forgiveness, so when Remus looked at him in the eyes, Sirius was too ashamed to look back.  He was too ashamed to reach out to the other boy even though he knew that nightmares loved Remus more than anyone.  They visited him often at nights and Sirius was the only one who noticed.  It had always been his job to wake Remus up and hold him tight, but not anymore.  He had lost that privilege to sneak into Remus’s bed and talk to him until they both fell asleep together.  Hearing Remus whimper in misery while trashing around in bed was the worst torture Sirius had ever experienced.  He hated to be useless.  He hated to see Remus in pain.

His torture ended when Remus decided to climb into his bed one night.

It was barely past midnight, three days before a full moon.  Sirius was still awake and surprised by his actions he lacked words.  Remus placed a pillow next to Sirius’s without asking for permission -- not that he needed to -- and crawled under the covers.  They silently stared at each other for Merlin knew how long.  The curtains weren’t fully closed, letting a glimpse of moonlight in enough for them to see the other’s face.

Then Remus kissed him -- Remus, who had never kissed anyone in his life.

The kiss ended as fast as it began.  Sirius internally cursed himself for being too stunned to react as Remus pulled back, looking as shocked as one could be.  Sirius heard him mumble a rushed apology before the tawny-haired boy frantically scurried back to his own bed.  The Black heir almost growled as his brain finally got a grasp on what had just happened.

 _Remus_  kissed him.

He hurriedly followed Remus, grabbed the werewolf’s wrist before he could escape, pushed him onto the mattress, and kissed the boy as hard as he could.

Their worlds collided.

Sirius might have closed the curtains but he had no memory of using the silencing spell.  Luckily, James and Peter were deep sleepers.  If they had heard anything weird that very night, they had never mentioned it.  Sirius couldn’t care less if anyone could hear them anyway at that time.  Here he had Remus’s lips against his, clumsy and inexperienced and bloody  _perfect._

Sirius remembered how the Ravenclaw girl usually pushed him away when he kissed her too harsh.  Remus, however, didn’t.  He was trapped underneath Sirius, arching beautifully into his touch when their tongues came in contact for the first time.  Remus probably didn’t know where this was going -- where Sirius could take him just from kissing.  Sirius wasn’t sure if Remus was ready to go that far, but he was drowned too deep in this ocean of sensations to think about anything.  Waves of emotions were flooding throughout his entire system, too much he couldn’t even recognise which was which anymore.

He had never felt this overwhelming; maybe he just had never cared enough to feel so.

James had brought the best out of him.   _The Potters_  had brought the best out of him.  Nevertheless, it was Remus who had brought out just everything he ever was, from the best to the worst to his deepest, darkest fear.  Sirius had never been down on his knees before James, begging for mercy; he had done it in front of Remus.  He didn’t want to see James fall apart under his touches like he wanted to see Remus.

The only problem was that he hadn’t expected tears to be involved.

Remus dug his nails into Sirius’s back and clung tight, hard enough to leave scratches, as he gasped into the kiss.  The slight pain stirred Sirius on, yet it also drew him back to reality.  He then realised that Remus’s eyes were tearing up in silence and Sirius’s heart almost stopped beating with fright.

Was Remus too far gone for words he needed to relieve his emotions in the form of tears, or was he simply regretting the kiss?  The latter sounded reasonable enough.

Sirius was on the verge of a panic attack, but a Black didn’t have one -- wasn’t allowed to have one.  All he had was a cold streak running in his veins that made him yank Remus’s wrists off his back and pin them to the mattress.  Remus let out a strangled cry; in protest or in pleasure, Sirius wasn’t sure.

He kissed the boy harder.  He was too scared to let go.

“Wait— Not like this---”

Sirius hated himself for not letting go.  He needed to let go.  He  _had_  to.  He had no rights to force Remus into something he didn’t want.  Here he went again, hurting Remus because he couldn’t stop himself from taking it too far.

Thus he halted, as abruptly as he could, wrecked and broken.

Remus was sobbing quietly, still panting hard.  Sirius felt like he was about to cry, but then again, a Black in him prevented him from doing so.  He had no tears left to cry, not anymore.  The only thing he could do was slowly releasing Remus’s hands and averting his eyes.  He could still feel Remus’s gaze fixing on him.  He didn’t dare guess what else would be found in those too-forgiving amber-browns.

Then Remus cupped his face and kissed him again; Sirius forgot how to breathe properly.

Remus’s hands were now clutching on Sirius’s back again, then his neck, his shoulders, his waist -- just everywhere he could touch and Sirius let him.  Remus was chuckling into the kiss this time, eyes still wet, and Sirius suddenly understood why he was crying before.  Sirius had no tears left to cry but he wanted to.  He was glad Remus was still able to.

Sirius pleaded a soft, “Please stay,” into Remus’s ear before they fell asleep that night.  Remus didn’t answer him.  The werewolf was still there the next morning anyway.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Again, this work is non-beta and English is not my first language, so sorry for any mistakes you may see. Kudos and comments are always welcome and thanks for reading this! ;)
> 
> ฺBtw, Thai version [หาอ่านได้ทางนี้เลยค่ะ](https://writer.dek-d.com/dekd/writer/viewlongc.php?id=1197067&chapter=87)


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